Mon. Mar 4th, 2024

Joe Solves Your Woes: The Premiere

Photo credit: Daily Mail Online
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Q: I was speaking to a guy on a night out and he said “game recognises game” but I thought he said “gay recognises gay” and I just went for it flirting with him and he told me he was straight. I’m just wondering what I should do or how I should act next time I see him?

A: First of all, thanks so much for kicking my brand new column off with such a classic and relatable personal dilemma. Who among us hasn’t innocently misheard a simple compliment for the euphoric feeling of realising you were somebody’s sexual awakening? Honestly, we’ve all been there, and I have just the solution to avoid any awkwardness that might arise from having to see this mystery hetero again. The answer is simple: don’t see him. Ever.

Now don’t worry, you don’t have to worry about not being able to go on nights out or constantly looking over your shoulder incase his testosterone-filled aura comes your way. It’s even simpler than that: move. Move far away. It’s the only logical fix to such a scenario. You’ll be able to live your life to the fullest without any fear of bumping into him. Moving to a completely different part of the country comes with a whole host of other benefits, in case you’re not convinced yet.

For example, it’s the perfect opportunity to create a new persona and get the whole town talking about you. “Who’s that guy who moved in down the street in the middle of the night all by himself?” the locals will ask. You’ll be a complete enigma and become the talk of the town which, if you ask me, is the epitome of glamour.

To sum up, just remember that if ever you’re faced with a slightly awkward or embarrassing situation: run from the problem. I hope this helps and remember to send a postcard from whatever mystery location you choose to start your new life!

Q: People call me a WAG and it’s just really upsetting and insulting. How should I handle the situation?

A: For this woe, it’s time for a bit of tough love. Snap out of it. Cop yourself on. How have you missed the golden opportunity that’s been put in front of you? This is a goldmine for some stellar personal branding.

When Kanye West and Kim Kardashian called Taylor Swift a snake after they falsely led the public to believe she had lied to make herself seem like the victim, did she sit at home and write in to a third year journalism student writing for his college paper for advice? Yes, she did. And I’m going to tell you the same thing that I told Taylor several years ago. Own it. Make it your brand.

For her, that meant building the aesthetic of the entire Reputation album cycle around snake iconography. Snakes were in her music videos, on her merchandise and heavily used in the Reputation Stadium Tour. She scored a number one song and album with that era and won multiple awards including five American Music Awards. This can be your snake moment.

You need to become the wag of all wags. The days of pop culture icons like Victoria Beckham, Colleen ‘Wagatha Christie’ Rooney and Cheryl Cole sitting in the stands watching their husbands and boyfriends play is gone, the culture needs a new supreme wag. Show up to matches turning a look, eat everyone else up on every red carpet. Use your boyfriends fame (for kicking what’s essentially a weighted balloon around a field) to start your own empire and, once your fame has eclipsed his, fake a cheating scandal for public sympathy and take a social media break to “take some time to yourself” after the supposed public humiliation when in reality you’ll be giving your new round of filler time to settle before your first solo red carpet appearance.

Joe will be back bi-weekly to answer more of your burning questions, so get them in through the link in our Instagram bio! 

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