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By Ciara Gordon<\/p>\n
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So first thing\u2019s first, I should explain who Ana is. Ana is someone that has been in my life for quite a while now. She\u2019s a constant presence in my life, although sometimes more prevalent than others. She can be my best friend or my worst enemy, depending on my mood, although the truth is, life would be so much better without her. At times, Ana controls me, owns me.<\/p>\n
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So who is Ana? Ana is the personified version of the eating disorder anorexia nervosa. She\u2019s the little voice in mine, and millions of other people\u2019s heads that seems impossible to get rid of. So, how has Ana impacted my life? Well, I didn\u2019t really know the meaning of anorexia until about the age of 12. I was in school one day, and for whatever reason, I didn\u2019t have anything at first break.<\/p>\n
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Now there was genuinely nothing up with this, I\u2019d just simply forgotten about it, wasn\u2019t hungry, or was saving it for later. But one of my friends said to me: \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you eating anything? You\u2019re anorexic.\u201d Now, I\u2019d heard this word before, and had a vague idea of what it meant, but it never really was something I\u2019d thought much about until then. I was a naturally slim girl, especially considering I did dance lessons, Karate and swimming, and I\u2019d always been a bit of a picky eater, but I\u2019d never dream of denying myself food.<\/p>\n
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Quite a bit of time passed, and I didn\u2019t give much thought to the comment. The problem was, during this time I came to the realisation that whilst I couldn\u2019t control the majority of things in my life, food was something I could control. The fact that I could choose what and how much of something I could put in my body gave me such a sense of power and control. I was the youngest in my class, and quite a sheltered, protected girl. I didn\u2019t wear make up, or style my hair, but I did have the skinny, hourglass figure most girls craved.<\/p>\n
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I realised I could control my figure and make myself even skinnier by simply skipping the odd meal, or not finishing everything on my plate, or eating a few grapes instead of a sandwich. I got more and more obsessed with the compliments I was getting, I was finally feeling somewhat pretty. And the perfectionist side of me craved and adored the feeling of accomplishment whenever I successfully skipped, what in my mind was, an unnecessary intake of calories.<\/p>\n
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As time passed, I slowly began to lose weight, rather than do what I had originally only intended to do, which was maintain my weight. This became apparent to friends and family, and for a while my eating habits improved. But then, when stressful times would pop up, Ana would return, like a crutch, the one constant in my life which I had full control over.<\/p>\n
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My obsession with food grew and grew, until I got to the stage where I couldn\u2019t finish an entire meal, regardless of how small it was. If I was having a particularly bad few days, I\u2019d stock up on sweets and chocolate to keep my energy levels and calorie intake up, whilst pretending to myself that because I wasn\u2019t eating a meal, everything was fine. I became very anti-social, terrified that if I went to a friend\u2019s house I\u2019d be given food that I wouldn\u2019t be able to eat, and would end up causing offence.<\/p>\n
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Any time I went out for a meal I would always order from the children\u2019s menu, as the portions were much smaller. I used every excuse in the book, \u201cOh I\u2019m just not that hungry\/I\u2019m not feeling great\/I ate before I came\/There\u2019s food made for me at home\u201d etc., etc. I was genuinely unable to finish a full meal, Ana telling me I was full once half my plate was gone. When it came to my Debs and I found out we were having a three course meal, I spent hours wondering how on earth I was going to be able to get out of it.<\/p>\n
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Now I had told some friends about what was going on, and whilst sympathetic, they just couldn\u2019t understand it. Honestly, I think eating disorders are something only those who had or have experienced can ever really be of help, besides the professionals. On my stronger days, I looked at those around me with so much envy, watching as they finished meals with ease, and wishing like anything I could do the same.<\/p>\n
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The main reactions I got from people were \u201cYou\u2019re getting too skinny, stop it, you\u2019re worrying me\u201d or \u201cLook, just eat the damn food, there are people starving, and you\u2019re just wasting food, so just eat\u201d. As expected, neither had much of an impact on me, other than making me feel incredibly guilty and upset, making me restrict my food even more.<\/p>\n
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