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By Tom\u00e1s Heneghan<\/p>\n
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They lined up, all seven would-be kings – though perhaps \u2018queens\u2019 would be more the appropriate term, considering how each carried themselves last Monday night. It was all hand-swinging, gestures and sass.<\/p>\n
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First to arrived was Martin. The man who replaced the last king, but only after the thrown was lost. Next was the starlet of the night, the queen of cheesy lines, Lady Lucinda and she didn\u2019t fail to disappoint.<\/p>\n
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\u201cMy strategy is to be myself, and that\u2019s the strategy that I always follow,\u201d said with a broad and child-like smile personifying innocence itself. Lucinda being the one-time princess of the realm – perhaps even next in line to the thrown at some distant point – took to the stage to quiz her former king.<\/p>\n
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Soon it came time to ask the the big question. No it wasn\u2019t the economy, health, crime, housing or mental health services. The question was who would rule the realm next. In part it is of course a decision for the electorate but in the land of king-makers, opinion polls and coalitions, we must know (or so the media would suggest) who will form the next royal coalition.<\/p>\n
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Claire Byrne, the rising RT\u00c9 current affairs star, asked of her guests: \u201cEnda Kenny, what\u2019s it to be? Miche\u00e1l Martin?\u201d<\/p>\n
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And with that King Kenny interjected. \u201cLabour. Labour.\u201d Oh but wait. Claire had to remind Enda of the polls and what they are saying – Fine Gael and Labour simply wont have enough seats. So what will the king do?<\/p>\n
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Fianna F\u00e1il drove the economy over the cliff, declared the king. Thankfully though his king-maker, Lady Joan of Labour had covered that exact declaration earlier in the evening on the way into the Great Debate.<\/p>\n
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\u201cSo you\u2019re not going to do business with Miche\u00e1l Martin, under any circumstances?\u201d asked Claire.<\/p>\n
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\u201cCertainly not,\u201d the King responded.<\/p>\n
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\u201cAre you sad about that Miche\u00e1l?\u201d quipped Claire.<\/p>\n
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No, the would-be king (or king-maker) Martin wasn\u2019t sad.<\/p>\n
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Not to fear, the former heir to the nation\u2019s thrown, Lucinda, rode quickly back in to declare no difference between Fine Gael (the current lords of the manor) and Fianna F\u00e1il (the former lords).<\/p>\n
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When it came to Lord Stephen of the Social Democrats (the would-be king-makers), Lady Joan made sure to make her own voice heard alongside him. \u201cThat\u2019s not answering the question Stephen. That\u2019s not answering the question.\u201d<\/p>\n
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So, at the end of two hours what had we learned? King Kenny wants back in. Would-be king Martin wants a slice of the kingdom. King-maker Joan wants back in too, while Lady Lucinda and Lord Donnelly will go in with anyone, as long as that \u2018anyone\u2019 adheres to their policies, minority party or not.<\/p>\n
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Lord Boyd Barrett is the exception declaring that he would help with the stewardship of Ireland, with the right parties and ideologies or course (though one suspects not all he was representing agree).<\/p>\n
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One person I later spoke to summed up the subsequent commentariat\u2019s views in the most eloquent and simple of terms: \u201cThey\u2019re all a bunch of wah wahs.\u201d<\/p>\n
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You could be forgiven for forgetting almost all seven, from the king to the would-be kings and queens (and king-makers) were close to or above the age of 40.<\/p>\n
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Political debate? A shouting match? Toddlers throwing their rattles around a concert hall? Who\u2019s to say. The one thing we can be sure of is that this coming Friday will decide finally who will be the next king (or queen) and who will be the next king-maker.<\/p>\n
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Rattles to the ready folks, because it will only get rowdier when the lords and ladies return to Leinster House next month.<\/p>\n