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Glamorous Unemployment

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I have a phrase for the standard “you didn’t get the job” rejection email. It’s called the “Dear John”.       

It usually consists of lovely flowery phrases such as “Thank you for your interest but…” or “We are unable to progress your application…” or “The position has been filled”.

I’ve experienced great frustration over the last 12 months and longer in trying to find even 2 or 3 hours work a week, doing pretty much anything. Heck, I’d even apply to open a cardboard box.

I’ve had absolutely no success and as a result I’m rightly pissed off.

I’m not a Business Student, nor am I an expert in Human Resources, but it seems to me that the method of recruitment used by the majority of firms big or small is probably the most impersonal and ineffective.

It prompts you to do everything but provide your true and natural reaction. Ever done any of those online applications where it asks you “What would you do in this situation?” It’s quite obvious what they want you to answer, so why would you answer anything else? “A Customer asks you where an item is kept. Do you A- Show them B- Tell them to feck off”. Need I say any more?

In a similar vein, it encourages an annoying culture of lying, hyperbole and false information. So, did the paper round for 2 weeks? Nobody would notice if you said you did it for 2 years. Similarly, describing duties of previous employment is often comedic. “Dealt with customers in a friendly and professional manner” when you really hated and cursed them all.

“Fully Experienced” is as ambiguous as heck. Because there will be different definitions of “experienced”, so how can a time value possibly be attached to it? I’ve gained a huge amount of experience in editing a newspaper in 2 years; someone else might take 5 years to gain the same amount. So, looking for “fully experienced” bar staff? Might as well say “Veteran”, then!

The interview is just like the Leaving Cert. It judges your performance on one particular meeting. And we all know how much the Leaving Cert has been castigated for that very reason. They also seem to add in unusual variables to put you off. I’ve been interviewed in a canteen with the rest of the staff having their lunch. I once witnessed a woman being interviewed in a busy café in an English train station. And a friend of mine was once interviewed whilst standing at the counter in a shop.

Now, tell me if I’m being naïve, but surely that is entirely unnecessary? Is one’s ability to work hard reflected in their ability to cope with a bizarre interview?

Another bone I have to pick with retail in particular, is their “No, No jobs going here!” mantra, yet every week new staff seem to start work there. This is probably the biggest gripe I hold in this seemingly infinite quest.

So, if you have vacancies in your delightful company, I’d really love one of them!

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