By Rebecca Laffan
*This review is brought to you by someone who physically cringes at any musical and definitely should have known better*
1. My God. They are singing already.
2. Does everyone wear primary colours? Because if that’s a thing, it’s going to piss me off all the way through the film.
3. Emma Stone looks like a real-life Bitmoji.
4. Ryan Gosling looks..really..Ryan Gosling-y.
5. How do four struggling actresses afford that lavish apartment?
6. Stop singing it’s distracting me from any plot formation.
7. Oh yeah it’s a musical, the story is told by song. Okay, concentrate.
8. Why does she need such a huge car?
9. How does she afford such a huge car?
10. There’s something very unsettling about Christmas songs in February.
11. Ryan Gosling’s passionate piano hair is so far the highlight of this film.
12. …what is his character’s name? How did I miss this?
13. Matching shoes? They really went there, wow.
14. Dancing on a bend on a road over what looks to be a massive hill is asking for disaster.
15. Disaster averted because nothing dramatic is allowed to happen in this film, it seems.
16. I’ve felt more emotions making toast than I have in the past hour.
17. Sebastian! His name is Sebastian.
18. ♫ UNDA DA SEA ♫ Anyone? No? Okay.
19. Does Emma Stone only wear dresses with one block colour in this film?
20. Why do I feel like they’ve purposely put no other familiar actors in this to play up the main characters?
21. Nevermind, it’s John bloody Legend people.
22. C’mon John, do me proud.
23. They named his character Keith.
25. If I left and came back in half an hour I feel like I could catch up within the time it takes me to find my seat again.
26. Don’t sing City of Stars again.
27. They sang it again.
28. Oh, they’re flying now. Okay. Causal.
29. ♪ City of Stars ♪..dah dum dah dum..
31. OH FOR GOD SAKE STOP SINGING AND GO TO PARIS LOVE.
32. She downgraded ahahahaha.
33. Why does Emma Stone as a mother make me severely uncomfortable?
34. It’s going to be called Seb’s.
35. Called it.
36. He’s going to play that bloody song.
37. Here we go.
38. Did someone in the audience honestly just sniffle??
39. Montage, invigorating.
40. Is that it?