Arts & Culture

How to Glucksman

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By Rebecca Laffan

Okay I’m in. I’m committed.

Jesus, it’s roasting in here.

Shite, where’s my card?

One day I will effortlessly beep in but today is just not that day people.

Yeah, just walk around me there. I know, I’m a disgrace.

STOP GLARING AT ME SECURITY GUARD CAN’T YOU SEE I’M FLUSTERED?

Found it. Fab.

Go on, beep you little bastard, you. Yes!

Stairs. Oh god, these stairs.

I know it’s physically impossible but what if I fell through these?

Phone, I’m holding on to you for dear life. I got you.

Am I supposed to be on the left or right?

Apparently, it’s the left, dear god that was awkward.

Fierce warm in here lads.

Find a seat. Find a seat.

No, I am not giving you dirty looks, I’m searching for an empty desk you seated eejit.

There are more desks occupied by people’s stuff than by actual people. This is madness.

Is that rule about leaving stuff on your desk still in place?

CAN WE TURN ON THE AC PLEASE I AM MELTING.

Is that water bottle and refill pad a pathetic attempt at marking territory?

Oh, there’s one final-ah shite. Just a very small human. Carry on.

Oh oh, this person’s packing up to go…I hope.

Yep, waiting for you bro. Take your time. I’ll just stand here like an idiot.

FINALLY SEATED.

Hoodie: Off.

Headphones: In.

Now to lay out all my stuff neatly to feign productivity.

I’ll have a sneaky glance at the neighbours sure while the laptop starts up.

No talent today.

Wait, I know that person.

Did I match with them on Tinder?

Please don’t look up while I creepily study your face.

Shit. Look away.

Laptop, please co-operate.

Might as well have brought the tumble dryer in here with me instead, why is it so loud?

Did I bring my charger?

Pfft of course not sure why would I do something so logical?

Can the people around me hear my music?

I smell food.

Kind of hungry.

I’ll eat when I have 300 words written.

I should send everybody a Snapchat just so they’re aware I’m incredibly studious and whatnot.

Where’s the book emoji?

Quick Facebook check, you know, in case WWIII has broken out or something.

Hahahaha tagging the lads in this, very true.

Memes are great. I should make a meme.

Is nobody else boiling in here?

Wonder if I’m anyone’s library girlfriend?

Naah.

Better knuckle down I guess.

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