Capricorn ♑︎ | December 22 – January 19
Doom and gloom this week as you realise you gave your last Wagon Wheel to a trick-or-treater on Sunday night. The ungrateful, snot-nosed little bugger, you were saving that and everything.
Aquarius ♒︎ | January 20 – February 18
Great news in your future this week, Aquarius! UL Student Life will rule that being a Class Rep actually is a fair substitute for a personality after all.
Pisces ♓︎ | February 19 – March 20
Your housemate will approach you about a threesome with her boyfriend this week, Pisces. Will it be awkward and weird? Yes. Will it lead to you selling the rights to the most Sally Rooney adaptation of How I Met Your Mother imaginable? Also yes.
Aries ♈︎ | March 21 – April 19
You’ve been feeling lately that your work has been going unnoticed and unappreciated. Fear not. Campus security have seen what you did behind the PESS building and a fine is on its way.
Taurus ♉︎ | April 20 – May 20
The stars predict the beginnings of a lifelong romance this week, Taurus. Two star-crossed lovers will make a connection across a crowded room and their lives will be changed forever. Will you be one of them? Sadly not.
Gemini ♊︎ | May 21 – June 20
Ghosts and ghouls may be in the rear-view mirror as we say goodbye to Halloween, but ghosting is very much the order of the week. That reply you’ve been expecting from the loose-moraled Dutch Erasmus student is very much like the 304 when you need it most – not coming.
Cancer ♋︎ | June 21 – July 22
You’ve been feeling tired and frustrated lately, Cancer, with a growing sense of dread and unease. You’ve been writing this off for the past few weeks as a result of a heavy workload. Nope. That’s just what life is like in your 20s.
Leo ♌︎ | July 23 – August 22
You will inspire strong feelings in most everyone you meet this week, Leo. They will not be positive, but they will definitely be strong. You do you.
Virgo ♍︎ | August 23 – September 22
Stark realisations are in store this week Virgo as you realise that girl from Tinder isn’t interesting or quirky, she just has green hair. Please wait at least six months before rewatching Scott Pilgrim Vs the World.
Libra ♎︎ | September 23 – October 23
A word of advice Libra. This is not the week to try bring bell-bottoms back. It will never be the week to try bring bell-bottoms back.
Scorpio ♏︎ | October 24 – November 21
You are feeling powerful and confident this week, you can’t keep your eyes off yourself. You will momentarily forget that the people on the other side of the Main Building’s windows can see you checking yourself out and they will laugh about it for days to come over pints in The Stables.
Sagittarius ♐︎ | November 22 – December 21
The waxing crescent moon this weekend will have you feeling especially gullible. Thanks for reading and well done for turning to such a reliable and accurate source for what your future holds. Also, aliens will land in your back garden at 4am on Friday.
Wondering if a lottery win or a traumatic bowel incident in the Jean Monet are in your future? Check back next week to find out!