Capricorn ♑︎ | December 22 – January 19
You are in the thoughts of many people in your life this week, Capricorn. Mostly they’re thinking about whether or not they can get away with getting you just one gift for your birthday and Christmas or if they need to get two individual ones.
Aquarius ♒︎ | January 20 – February 18
Med student Aquarius, as we enter week 10 you’ll find yourself putting much thought into what the future holds for your career. Mainly, how difficult would it be to become a shepherd or a magician’s assistant.
Pisces ♓︎ | February 19 – March 20
Your belief that all of life’s conflict can be solved by talking it out will be put to the test this week as a feral swan finds its way into your Kilmurry bedroom on Wednesday.
Aries ♈︎ | March 21 – April 19
You will see your name in lights this week. Your terrible thieving roommate will take it to new depths, forcing you to label even the bulbs you bought for your desk lamp.
Taurus ♉︎ | April 20 – May 20
Time to get in the groove, Taurus! You’ll spend many fun hours perfecting your dance moves before your big night out on Friday. Though everyone else on the 304 may not appreciate it so much, you’ll have your fun and that’s all that matters.
Gemini ♊︎ | May 21 – June 20
A childhood dream will come true for you this week, Gemini. Unfortunately it’s the one where you arrive to school unprepared and naked. Bad luck.
Cancer ♋︎ | June 21 – July 22
First year Cancer, you will call your lab tutor ‘Mom’ this week by accident. Everyone in class will brush it off, but the memory will linger with you for the rest of your life.
Leo ♌︎ | July 23 – August 22
Law student Leo, your course director will change directions on the marking system this week. What was previously a series of ongoing continuous assessments will now be one straight-forward battle royale in which the sole survivor will receive an A1. May the odds be ever in your favour.
Virgo ♍︎ | August 23 – September 22
New discoveries for you this week as you realise that “sorry” in fact isn’t the hardest word. It’s “floccinaucinihilipilification”. The true meaning of which will become apparent the more you try to pronounce it.
Libra ♎︎ | September 23 – October 23
I foresee heavy precipitation around noon on Thursday, Libra. Mainly in your kitchen as the upstairs boiler springs a massive leak.
Scorpio ♏︎ | October 24 – November 21
The moon rising in your sign this week will lead you to become trapped in a type of Groundhog Day scenario in which you repeat the same day over and over. Bad for career advancement, but really good for learning a new skill like the piano or something.
Sagittarius ♐︎ | November 22 – December 21
Time for reflection this week, Sagittarius, as the two wolves who live inside you come into conflict. The real question is how they got there in the first place and how you’ve survived so long with two wild beasts in your person.
Check back next week to find out what the penultimate week of the semester has in store for you!