Capricorn ♑︎ | December 22 – January 19
A Libra friend is struggling through something they may not be ready to share yet. Be kind and present. Perhaps a night out or little surprise would be appreciated.
Aquarius ♒︎ | January 20 – February 18
Frustrated Aquarius, your creative juices have been clogged for many weeks now. Keep calm and carry on. Failing that, a Stables curry and three pints of Guinness will set everything in full flow again.
Pisces ♓︎ | February 19 – March 20
Lovelorn Pisces, it’s been six weeks since you met that attractive and worldly German boy at International Night. He wasn’t called home to fight the Australians, you saw him going to his European Cinema lecture last week. Accept and move on. Auf Wiedersehen.
Aries ♈︎ | March 21 – April 19
That stars have written than an old foe will reach out this week to start a fresh collaboration and heal old wounds. Use this opportunity to crush them and revel in the spoils of their defeat.
Taurus ♉︎ | April 20 – May 20
Sometimes choosing to be happy is half the battle. This week is all about chasing that personal bliss and blocking out the negative. We’ve got a global pandemic, a lava tsunami in La Palma, a housing crisis, and sad puppies living on the streets. But sure, go off.
Gemini ♊︎ | May 21 – June 20
Gemini, you are emerging from SHAG week more informed, more engaged, and more positive than ever! On that note, your sexual health screening will come back on Wednesday.
Cancer ♋︎ | June 21 – July 22
West Corkonian Cancer, this is a great week to be your authentic self. Drop that auld American accent, you’re fooling nobody.
Leo ♌︎ | July 23 – August 22
Feverish Leo, this week will see Mercury rising through Uranus. Please get a newer thermometer.
Virgo ♍︎ | August 23 – September 22
PhD student Virgo, your mom will call this week to inform you that the daughter of your neighbour three doors down – “You know the one you used to play in the paddling pool with when you were younger? You do, you know the one I’m talking about! Harry’s girl.” – has just posted an engagement photo from the signing of the lease on her first mortgage. What is it you’re writing your little gender essay on again?
Libra ♎︎ | September 23 – October 23
A Capricorn in your life is acting suspiciously nice. Don’t trust them. What is their motive? Why are they giving you things?
Scorpio ♏︎ | October 24 – November 21
The woman of your dreams is just a swipe away this week, Scorpio. She wants to know your mother’s maiden name, your first childhood pet, and the last four digits on your debit card.
Sagittarius ♐︎ | November 22 – December 21
Sagittarius, this week is your week to go out and make your own future! Don’t forget, a more positive prediction is only a Revolut payment away. Hit me up.
What will the stars have in store for you for Halloween week? Check back next week to find out!